Phillip (19M)

Very interested in Google Street View, analyzes the urban environment and tries to get a feel for the place. His default activity when bored is Street View

Very stingy with money, subtly tries to get people to do things for him so he doesn’t have to spend money

Likes buses, trains, dumpsters, parking garages, and trash cans

Has to hang out with someone on Friday AND Saturday or he feels insecure

When on a plane, likes to look at the map of where the plane is rather than watch an in flight movie

Thinks it’s cool that coyotes eat pets because he’s anti-development

Basically an ecofacist

On a political high horse because he recycles; talks about how America and cars are bad a lot

Uncontrollably spews nasty insults

Once watched 15 episodes of a Turkish TV show with no subtitles. His brother says: “I believe it was called Osmanli Tokadi (Ottoman Slap) and was a comedy about a couple of Turkish janissaries at the siege of Constantinople who accidentally time traveled to modern Istanbul"

Has a magic talent: can find the location of almost any picture you show him

Has stolen traffic cones in his room

His piano teacher suddenly died when he was 8


Joshua (20M)

Goes on Quora

Is writing a novel about the 16 MBTI types vs. an AI. Or at least he tries to, he can’t get around to it. Can’t think of names for characters

Writes bad rhyming poems about people’s MBTI types for their birthdays, is serious about it

Doesn’t care about sunsets “I’ve seen one, seen them all”

Puts pea protein vanilla powder in all his food for flavor

Into keto and meal prep

Taught himself how to masturbate for the first time at the age of 20 using extensive internet research, told everyone the details

Uses the most formal language he can while talking, sounds like 1950s textbook

Idolizes “the great men” eg Winston Churchill, Mozart, Benjamin Franklin

Actually believes in a fringe philosophy called “conscious universe theory”

Obsessed with a still from the movie Amadeus, made Phillip edit the colors so he could get it printed and framed. Accidentally ordered two, one went to Phillip’s roommate Owen, which he threw away promptly

Has no taste or sense of aesthetic, mom buys all clothes for him

Owns a shirt with the presidents walking across the street like the Beatles holding Confederate flag and “Don’t tread on me” flag with caption “There’s gonna be a revolution”

Owns a shirt with Uncle Sam holding an eagle and the eagle is saying “tell me another story about freedom”

Needs to read a plot description before watching a movie

Likes Andrew Yang

Says “hb” to people on their birthday


Cameron (21M)

Made Lego stop motion movies, one has 350k views

Used to do oil painting

Really into international cuisine, says “Good stuff!” and chews with his front teeth, eats like a food critic

Sniffs what food you’re making, wants some, tries to make both of you appear like taste connoisseurs

Claims that anyone has the right to say the N word

Has allegedly never masturbated

Sleepwalks

Into online privacy

Refuses to let images of himself appear on social media

Likes satirical political humor media from past decades and puts it on when friends are nearby as if it’s normal, watching contentedly, surprised when others don’t like it

Unexpectedly scared of silence, grasps for topics to talk about

Tries to recreate songs in his head exactly when walking

Claims that being offended is a choice

Idolizes his dad

Against the concept of PDA, believes it should be culturally shunned

Detests online piracy

Eagle Scout


David (23M)

Has his credit card number memorized for online shopping purposes

Creates playlists and seals (like an official government seal type thing) to go along with travel experiences in his life

Says women are “stunning!” and “goddesses!” in an emphatic tone, gross, extremely defensive about this

Only has extremely high self esteem or extremely wounded self esteem

Italicizes words while typing a lot

Gets into huge verbose fights

Was into hats in high school, has collection

Talks as if he is Douglas Adams or Kurt Vonnegut in everyday conversation

Wears clothes too small for his tall frame

Ruined all the photos from a Yosemite trip by using HDR

Wants to build a mansion that has secret rooms that you can only access by doing elaborate Twin Peaks-inspired rituals


Adam (36M)

Plays "pranks" on people like he’s 14

Interested in different types of knots

Very concerned with shirt brands, knows cultural relevance of shirt brands and can discuss them. Also with pants and shoes.

Has “acquisition regret” — whenever he acquires something, especially when it’s for free, he regrets it and ponders over it for days

Gets along well with old men

Paranoid about bedbugs and cockroaches

Once got drunk at restaurant and whispered to Felicia, “Isn’t that guy’s tattoo ugly?” but he said it too loud and tattoo guy heard and got mad

Wanders around at zoo after dark

Once went to a movie theater alone and thought there might be bedbugs so he Googled “AMC Westminster Promenade bedbugs” and found a bedbug complaint about the very auditorium he was in

Writes secret sci-fi stories at work

Has a 1.5 hour playlist of different versions of a standard called “What’ll I Do”


Seamus (27M)

Not curious about biographical info—could wait forever to find out the name of your sibling or where you live. Similarly, rarely talks about his family or friends and almost never uses descriptive details

Not very critical or judgmental, seems to like or be fine with most things

Stuffed animal collection

Uses green screen as an artistic medium

Plays banjo and trombone among other instruments, was in school band

Has read Elliot Rodger’s manifesto and the Unabomber manifesto

Wears baseball hats a lot

Goes to bed at 10:30 and wakes up at 7:45

Had a pet tarantula named Eddie

Has really big tattoo of skeleton holding a sheep on his torso

Went to the country club a lot as a child

Horrible memory

Not inclined to have sentimental/intensely emotional discussions

Runs vile meme account

Was planning to be a doctor, abandoned that ambition

Resembles a pool noodle when standing up

Won 4 different departmental awards at high school graduation because the teachers didn’t coordinate to avoid the same person winning 4 awards

Unusual fondness for emojis

Is a fuckboy but thinks he’s a good person because he has anarchist abolitionist politics


Adelaide (25F)

Really into true crime

Likes ordering Japanese clothing and ceramics online

Went through a phase where she was obsessed with hay bales

Has read every entry on the Charley Project multiple times

Wears a small leather backpack

Left a single radio station on in the car for a drive across half the country


Whistle (33NB)

Communication is a total hit or miss—you will get 100% of their attention or none, and can switch between the two suddenly

Writing multiple unintelligible postmodern novels

College thesis was a series of blacklight posters

Has extensive list of woman names to adopt in the future (transgender) that are all things like “Effusiva Proboscis” and "Tetra Longshadow”

Does not mind talking about farts

Worked at Toys-R-Us for a year after graduating college, stole tons of stuff

Worst sleep schedule I have ever known of, is often up all night, once stayed up 3 days in a row

Owns a Magic Eye VHS tape

Loved scented markers as a child. Also wore costumes or parts of costumes everywhere

Works at a BBQ place “I assemble barbecue salads, the most femme job in barbecue”

Can pull uncannily accurate words and descriptions out of thin air, special talent. Also likes making up words, wanted to use the word “filigreeesquely” in Mad Libs

From South Carolina, dad collects Nazi memorabilia

Loves arcades

Has rotating Christmas lights in their shower and bedroom

Gets checks, immediately blows them, never uses what they buy

Has had black and white cats their whole life, a cat was there when they were born. Has a somewhat gross intimate relationship with their cat

Apartment looks like one of those museums that’s just one guy’s collection of weird stuff

Is dorky and easily embarrassed but in a way likes that about themselves

Is enthusiastic about a cryptid tourist attraction called “Jake the Alligator Man”


Tara (21F)

As mostly reported by my younger sister, Grace

There’s this restaurant with a sign on it that says “Eats” but that’s not the name of the restaurant. Tara said, ‘Is Eats a good restaurant?” in an upbeat tone

Made out with drunk guy at party and acted like victim

Tried to pretend that she liked The Smiths but she claimed she liked the song "Stretch Out and Wait" which is obviously their worst song

Likes the horrible Sublime derivative band Ballyhoo

Invited herself to Halloween: said “Are you out to your mom” to Zach. Zach was like “Yeah.” Tara said “Are you out to your dad” and Zach said “He’s dead” then Tara cried.

Puts on lip balm with a perfectly O shaped lip

Spoke on phone with boyfriend at Grace’s family dinner table, wouldn’t stop when Mom asked her to

Dated alt right man

Wrote “my fit is fire” on Snapchat

Slapped guy and got someone to secretly take video of it, video went mildly viral

"Wes is using me for my body" about a guy she’s hooking up with who she claims she's not emotionally attached to

Took Grace to Korean BBQ, didn't understand how it worked, got one small meat order, made Grace help pay. It was Grace's birthday

Said Jewish people had big noses. When confronted, said it was not racist because Jewish people are not a race

Asked “is this record single play”?

Bought thousands of dollars in makeup but wears it once every 2 months, now wears false eyelashes constantly

Babysits round the clock and lets it interfere with literally everything and spends tons of money on the kids

While Grace was driving, Tara went into Grace’s Snapchat memories and texted herself multiple random selfies of Grace. Tara later printed them out and displayed them over her bed at college in a picture frame. Grace didn’t find out until Tara tweeted sexy underwear pics with the Grace pics hanging in the background

Slept on floor of friend’s ex-boyfriend’s sister’s bedroom face-down next to dog shit instead of celebrating the person’s birthday “Oh I’m just tired"

Dated scrawny guy with questionable facial hair named Ashtin and did picnic that looked like an engagement when they only had been dating for 7 weeks. Rose petals, champagne in ice bucket, empty Polaroid frames to put future Polaroids in, Instagram gallery, beach, fairy lights, candles, chocolate strawberries, rose in gelatin (? was the subject of heated debate for weeks) yet wants to break up with him

Snapchatted Grace image of BDSM setup with handcuffs and rope

Obsessed with being bi, makes statuses about it on Twitter, Ashtin always comments “Love you my bi babe”

Put pierced ear on Instagram but it was fake

Talked to her mom about her sex life in detail, description of rim job, talks loudly for friends to hear

Tweets about sex toys

Obsessed with woman cashier at a clothing store, talked about her “partner” who is a man to seem more queer to cashier

Spent an entire weekend and multiple hundreds of dollars cleaning an ex lover’s apartment even though he repeatedly asked her to leave

Tweeted “feeling witchy feeling sapphic”

Blackmailed a guy into giving her hundreds of dollars because she got diagnosed with HPV and claimed it came from him


C. Stone (26F)

Only drinks Dr. Pepper on airplanes, also likes sitting in the middle seat of airplanes

Collects stuffed animals

Makes creepy zines out of stolen social media photos

Cannot stop having crushes on dysfunctional men; eg married man, broke 50 year old dad, guy regularly beaten by ex-girlfriend. Has spreadsheet of all of it

Total conversation hog

Unusually excited about Bass Pro Shops and tries to go to as many as possible